Monday, May 24, 2010

LOST finale...

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(head banging keyboard).

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Jesus Bunny Thumb Print

As you can see, I have been lacking time (and blogable material) lately.  Last night, mom encouraged me to post a new entry concerning an awkward family moment...which I will be doing  hopefully later tonight.  But for now, I bring you this:

8th Grader Finds Jesus on Thumb While Doing Science Project?

Here is the image from the article:

But to me, it's obviously The Easter Bunny:

But I suppose it's just as well, since both Jesus and the Easter Bunny have a lot to do with Easter, right???

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I just ordered my first food dehydrator.  Watch out world, I'm about to start drying shit to eat. 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

BP Beauty Queen

It seems as though the days when I make absolutely no effort to make myself presentable are the times that I get noticed more often by the opposite gender.  Today I went to the gas station to run in quickly and buy milk and some snacky-snacks to surprise the the hubs with for him to enjoy during his shift tonight.

My hair was unfixed, still up in the bun I had put it up in last night before I went to bed, complete with fly-aways and messy bangs.  No make-up, my house/crafting jeans that have Mod Podge stains all over them (and I have to wear a long shirt with them because the zipper never stays put...but I can't part with them because they are so comfy, my absolute faves).  And a black v-neck sweater that could seriouly use a meeting with one of those little sweater fuzz vacuums.

So I'm standing at the counter paying for my shiz and this handsome black guy walks up behind me and says "Excuse me princess, you've got some lint stuck to your sweater" and then he reaches over and pulls off...a little shard of toilet paper that was stuck to my back.  I guess it's better than TP stuck to your ass or shoe.  I thanked him and turned to go, and as I walked out he says "you have a great day, beautiful."  Then a group of guys were standing around outside and said "damn, how about her?"  Which, I assumed they meant in a complimentary way, but I can't be absolutely sure.  Maybe they were saying "Damn.  What about her?" as they were in the middle of discussing the most homely looking women they've seen today.

I've talked about this with my mom and my best friend in the past.  We can't figure out if it really is that we do, in fact, get checked out more often when we're not all done up...or if it's just that we are much more aware of it because we're feeling self-concious about our appearance at the time. 

So guys:  do you prefer a woman without makeup?  Or is it just you don't like a lot of makeup?  Or is a woman just more approachable when she looks a little frazzled and "I don't give a crap today"? Is the "girl next door" look (in my case, quasi-homeless girl next door) sexier than the "night out" look?

Thinking of these things brings so many unanswered questions...and I think I have a pretty good understanding of men.  Is our preception of what we (as women) believe men find attractive scewed by what we see in magazines, through celebrities, etc etc?  Personally, I'm just really confused by the fact that I get more attention when I'm definitely not feeling sexy than when I've made the effort to look smokin'.  'Splain dis to me, Willis.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Orlistat = Butt Grease = Skinny!

A few years back, I stopped eating chips that were made with Olestra, because I discovered that they make your bowel movements greasy.  I never experienced it personally, because I never had the notion to eat an entire bag of chips in one sitting, but I had read an excellent (and hilarious) experiment about it by a Zug contributer named John Hargrave.

Recently I've been more careful about what I eat, not dieting, just not going to Taco Bell and eating five 5 layer burritos every day.  I thought I was getting away with all of the burritos for awhile.  "HA!"  I yelled while shaking my fist at a pile of empty burrito wrappers, "you got nothin on this!"  Then I gave my booty a smack.

The burritos finally caught up with me.

So lately I've been trying to do some last-minute damage control so that I can actually wear my bikini without shame to the beach this summer. 

Anyway, I find it ironic that I once tried to avoid excess fat being expelled from my body in a way that is too graphic to discuss in such a public forum.  And now I take these pills called Alli that do just that.  And let me tell you, it's amazing, people.  The drugs prevent your body from absorbing all of the fat that you eat.  While I haven't been eating anything extremely fattening anyway, you're supposed to take one anytime you eat anything that has fat in it.  Grilled chicken?  Little blue pill on the side.  Whole grain spagetti with lean turkey burger meatballs?  Little blue pill please.   Yep, there are now two "little blue pills" that I am aware of.  Though I only have use for one of them.

I've already shed some of that excess pudge after a week of avoiding Taco Bell, and cheese in general.  I really have a problem with cheese.  Most people have food vices that involve junk foods:  chips, cake, ice cream, candy...I've never been somebody who has to cram plain crap down my neck, I never really had taste buds for those foods anyway unless it's that special time of the month.  But if I could throw a few cups of cheese on everything without consequence, I would be one happy lady.

Technically I guess I shouldn't really be using these pills, seeing as the indications instruct their usage is only for overweight people...which I am not.  But after reading reviews it appears as though plenty of non-overweight people take them, and hey, sometimes you must follow the flock of bikini-ready bodies.  

Never have I touched diet pills before.  To be honest, I'm afraid of most of them.  I don't even like the jittery feeling drinking too much coffee can give you...I can't imagine taking something that strains your heart like that and gives you the shakes and sends your heart racing.  But this Alli, I can fully stand behind.  It's gross, interesting, and effective all at once.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Romeo & Juliet: First Grade Edition

My 7 year old daughter burst into the door yesterday announcing: "Mom!  I've found the boy that I am going to marry!" 

When I was little, I remember always being "boy crazy".  I never thought boys had cooties, I always had crushes, I have had boyfriends since the third grade.  But I don't ever recall planning my wedding out in intricate detail and picking husbands as my daughter does.

My daughter's new beau is a little black boy named Day-twan (sorry, I don't know how to spell it, and I WOULD say African American boy, but I have been informed that is not PC, because darker skinned people come from several countries.)  In fact, I wouldn't even point out his race if it weren't relevant to the story.  Read on.

So some little girls my daughter play with outside (who also happen to be black) brought their cousin over yesterday, and that was it for Teagan.  She was in love at first sight, and the two of them promised eachother to marry when they were grown up.  The only problems were their cousins, and my 4 year old son.  For whatever reason, Johnny (my son) didn't approve of the situation, and shrieked repeatedly "NO!  YOU CANNOT MARRY HIM UNTIL YOU GROW UP!  Stop talking about it!"  As for Dayton's cousins, they disagreed with the arrangement considerably as well. 

"She's a white girl.  You can't marry her!"  and "What would your mama say if you married her?"

These outbursts literally brought my daughter to tears when her object of affection finally gave in to the peer pressure and it was decided that it would be best if they didn't marry.  But apparently, he whispered in her ear that he would be back to visit her next Sunday, secretly.  Forbidden love.  Sometimes, there is nothing so toxic yet so sweet simultaneously. 


Social commentary:  It's sad that racism starts so young.  Racism does not exist solely as white people discriminating against other races.  I experienced this personally when I attended high school in Albuquerque, New Mexico as, believe it or not, a minority (being a white person amongst mostly Hispanics).  I experienced racism against myself many times.  And the fact that the tendancies are being ingrained by parents into their children so early on...with 7 year olds...well, it really pisses me off.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Dumb things I've Learnt About Life Through Myself or Vicariously Through Other People, Part 1

On Alcohol

- It is hardly ever a good idea to have your cell phone on you when you are intoxicated.  Either you'll lose it, break it, or even worse, you'll call or text people ridiculous things that you will curse yourself for later.

- Do not mix hard liquor and wine in the same night.

- If you can hardly stand straight, then do not stand.  You might fall through a glass coffee table and lacerate your butt.

- Don't drive after drinking.  Period.

- Don't play pool for money against intoxicated people who also happen to be insane.  They might try to slit your throat with a hunting knife in the parking lot after they lose.

- If you are at a small bar in a small predominately Caucasian town in Wisconsin that decides to host a regional rap-off, there will probably be a huge mob bar fight against the races that involves stools and mugs being hurled through the air.

- Do not ride in taxi cabs with insane drivers.  Last weekend, a friend and I had two psycho drivers in one night after bar close.  The first became irate after we told him he brought us to the completely wrong address, in an entirely different neighborhood and began swerving around residential streets and corners at 50MPH.  We yelled at him to pull over and let us out in some random, unknown part of town.  We found another cab.  The second instigated a screaming match between himself and myself when I pointed out that he was completely ignoring me when I was trying to chat him up.  My friend and I were also propositioned to go on a private yacht and snort coke that night by some random guys on the sidewalk.  It was an interesting night.

On Relationships

- Men: let women be women.  Understand we're going to be dumb and emotional sometimes.  Women: let men be men.  Allow them to watch their sports, drink their beer, hang out with their (sometimes idiot) guy friends freely and without nagging or pouting on your part.  So long as you're still the first priority most of the time, it shouldn't be a problem.

- Do not ever make your entire life about one person.  All relationships will eventually run into major problems and a few bad things could happen because of your mistake:  you've alienated your friends when you've chosen to put one person far above all others, which leads to resentment among everybody else who cares about you.  Plus, it's really f'n annoying to everybody else when all you can talk about is your special person.  True fact.  And also, if the time comes to split up, your life is left in shambles when that person leaves you.

- Do not, under any circumstances, have a long term affair with somebody who is married and living with their spouse.  It never turns out well.  (For the record, it's not me who did this.  I know of others who have and the ending is never happy for anybody involved.)

On Children

- They will destroy everything.  It's best to not consider new furniture until they are all at least school-aged.  If you have an expensive LCD TV, do not connect the Wii to it, and do not allow any play around it (especially involving baseball bats).  Expect extensive damage to walls if you have young children.  Designate a single area for toys, and do not allow them elsewhere in the house, or you will find it nearly impossible to keep clean.

- Only invest in toys that have extensive re-play value.  Most of the toys sold in stores will only be played with once, and then forgotten forever.  The best and only toys that my kids have never grown bored of are: blocks, bikes, and video game consoles...because when a game gets boring, you can just buy a new one.

- If you leave a spray bottle of cleaner unattended for 30 seconds, a child will find it and squirt themselves in the face.  I keep all of my chemicals far up and away from the kids' reach.  But this has happened several times with my back turned while cleaning, resulting in an unpleasant experience by both parent and child...with the child's head shoved under cold running sink water to flush the eyes out.  I have since made it a rule to never have cleaner out unless it is physically in my hand at all times.

- Learn to deal with your children's comments and actions with grace.  They will ask strangers why their teeth are yellow.  They might hug and kiss strangers in the supermarket.  They will ask strangers and family alike why they are so fat. 


- Don't put your nose up to a bottle of hair dye and inhale deeply.  It may smell like flowers from a distance but a huge whiff will give you a nasty and painful surprise.

- Wear latex gloves when you're cutting up peppers.  There is nothing worse than doing it with naked hands and then rubbing an eye or any other body part that is sensitive (yep, even those parts), and remembering after it's too late that you have capsaicin under your fingernails.

- If your spouse is a police officer, always ensure that you have disinfectant at home.  They might need to soak their HIV infected handcuffs in it.

House Rules

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