Saturday, May 1, 2010

Dumb things I've Learnt About Life Through Myself or Vicariously Through Other People, Part 1

On Alcohol

- It is hardly ever a good idea to have your cell phone on you when you are intoxicated.  Either you'll lose it, break it, or even worse, you'll call or text people ridiculous things that you will curse yourself for later.

- Do not mix hard liquor and wine in the same night.

- If you can hardly stand straight, then do not stand.  You might fall through a glass coffee table and lacerate your butt.

- Don't drive after drinking.  Period.

- Don't play pool for money against intoxicated people who also happen to be insane.  They might try to slit your throat with a hunting knife in the parking lot after they lose.

- If you are at a small bar in a small predominately Caucasian town in Wisconsin that decides to host a regional rap-off, there will probably be a huge mob bar fight against the races that involves stools and mugs being hurled through the air.

- Do not ride in taxi cabs with insane drivers.  Last weekend, a friend and I had two psycho drivers in one night after bar close.  The first became irate after we told him he brought us to the completely wrong address, in an entirely different neighborhood and began swerving around residential streets and corners at 50MPH.  We yelled at him to pull over and let us out in some random, unknown part of town.  We found another cab.  The second instigated a screaming match between himself and myself when I pointed out that he was completely ignoring me when I was trying to chat him up.  My friend and I were also propositioned to go on a private yacht and snort coke that night by some random guys on the sidewalk.  It was an interesting night.

On Relationships

- Men: let women be women.  Understand we're going to be dumb and emotional sometimes.  Women: let men be men.  Allow them to watch their sports, drink their beer, hang out with their (sometimes idiot) guy friends freely and without nagging or pouting on your part.  So long as you're still the first priority most of the time, it shouldn't be a problem.

- Do not ever make your entire life about one person.  All relationships will eventually run into major problems and a few bad things could happen because of your mistake:  you've alienated your friends when you've chosen to put one person far above all others, which leads to resentment among everybody else who cares about you.  Plus, it's really f'n annoying to everybody else when all you can talk about is your special person.  True fact.  And also, if the time comes to split up, your life is left in shambles when that person leaves you.

- Do not, under any circumstances, have a long term affair with somebody who is married and living with their spouse.  It never turns out well.  (For the record, it's not me who did this.  I know of others who have and the ending is never happy for anybody involved.)

On Children

- They will destroy everything.  It's best to not consider new furniture until they are all at least school-aged.  If you have an expensive LCD TV, do not connect the Wii to it, and do not allow any play around it (especially involving baseball bats).  Expect extensive damage to walls if you have young children.  Designate a single area for toys, and do not allow them elsewhere in the house, or you will find it nearly impossible to keep clean.

- Only invest in toys that have extensive re-play value.  Most of the toys sold in stores will only be played with once, and then forgotten forever.  The best and only toys that my kids have never grown bored of are: blocks, bikes, and video game consoles...because when a game gets boring, you can just buy a new one.

- If you leave a spray bottle of cleaner unattended for 30 seconds, a child will find it and squirt themselves in the face.  I keep all of my chemicals far up and away from the kids' reach.  But this has happened several times with my back turned while cleaning, resulting in an unpleasant experience by both parent and child...with the child's head shoved under cold running sink water to flush the eyes out.  I have since made it a rule to never have cleaner out unless it is physically in my hand at all times.

- Learn to deal with your children's comments and actions with grace.  They will ask strangers why their teeth are yellow.  They might hug and kiss strangers in the supermarket.  They will ask strangers and family alike why they are so fat. 


- Don't put your nose up to a bottle of hair dye and inhale deeply.  It may smell like flowers from a distance but a huge whiff will give you a nasty and painful surprise.

- Wear latex gloves when you're cutting up peppers.  There is nothing worse than doing it with naked hands and then rubbing an eye or any other body part that is sensitive (yep, even those parts), and remembering after it's too late that you have capsaicin under your fingernails.

- If your spouse is a police officer, always ensure that you have disinfectant at home.  They might need to soak their HIV infected handcuffs in it.


Kitschalicious on May 1, 2010 at 4:10 PM said...

OMG! These are great! On the "Learn to deal with your children's comments and actions with grace. They will ask strangers why their teeth are yellow. They might hug and kiss strangers in the supermarket. They will ask strangers and family alike why they are so fat. " My family went to the beach and an African American walks up with his Caucasion girlfriend/wife, my son proceeds to say (not using his inside voice) "Mommy! You're black too!" I don't think I've ever turned so red in my entire life! LOL!

Postman on May 1, 2010 at 7:51 PM said...

Ugh. The ol' capsaicin-under-the-fingernails gets me every time.

Dazee Dreamer on May 1, 2010 at 8:04 PM said...

I loved the alcohol montage. Thanks for the good laugh.

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